December is the time when holiday music begins trickling
from our stereos and street corners, evoking memories of joy and telling us the
time for childlike wonder has begun – unless, of course, we live in the United States, where
malls start blasting Christmas songs at Halloween. If you’ve left your house in
the past month, you’ve probably already heard the latest appalling techno
version of “White Christmas.” And if you’re unfortunate enough to work in
retail, you’re about ready to throttle that Suzy Snowflake by now.
All of which is good news for us songwriters – this is the perfect time to introduce new holiday music to a listening public already burnt out on the usual stuff! This month, I’ll teach you how to write the perfect holiday song in as little as 10 minutes. You’ll find a link to my own new holiday tune somewhere in this column – when you’ve finished your own, e-mail the mp3 to me for inclusion in a future post!
There are three types of holiday song, and thus three different tracks for you to follow as a songwriter. I’ll cover them in order of difficulty – pick the track that’s right for you, churn out a couple of winners and before you know it you’ll have royalty checks tap-tap-tappin’ on your windowpane.
1. The “Not Really a Holiday Song" Holiday Song. These are the easiest type to write, because they’re not really holiday songs at all – they’re conventional pop songs with a bit of eggnog mixed in. Think of Elvis’s “Blue Christmas” (a song about getting dumped – at Christmas!) or the perpetually covered “Last Christmas” (about trying not to get dumped for a second time – at Christmas!) and you’ve got the drift.
To write your own Track One tune, take a regular pop song – ones about getting dumped seem to work well – and plug in a handful of holiday phrases. This works equally well in genres like hip-hop (“Lonely Chriz-istmas”), pop (“You Broke My Heart – P.S. Happy Kwanzaa”) and country (“These Cryin’ Eyes Will Never Be Dreidel”), so you’ve should have plenty to work with. In the studio, add sleighbells for a can’t-miss holiday feel (“These Cryin’ Eyes Will Never Be – Ding Ding!”).
2. The “Classic” or “Timeless”
Acceptable themes: Snow
Pine trees
Babies and old people
Rudolph, Snoopy, Gumby
Extramarital smooches with Santa
Unacceptable themes: Sleet
Pine-sol
Middle-aged
people
Extramarital
smooches with Gumby
3. The “Sacred, or at Least Relevant" Holiday Song. Probably the toughest type of holiday song to compose, Track Three tunes have to say something about the specific holiday in question. Topics like “Winter” and “Home” won’t cut it here unless you pair them with topics like the Nativity (”Christ Was Borne in a Michigan Blizzarde”) or the Hanukkah story (“There’s No Place Like Home for the Maccabees”).
Musically, Track Three tunes should be in a minor key and
have a centuries-old European feel – electric instruments of any kind are strictly
forbidden here. Sprinkle antiquated words like thou and forsooth into
your lyrics, and be liberal with the apostrophes (“Ne’er More Mine Eyes to Dreid’l”) and exclamation points (“Yo!
With Barren Arse, from Yonder Humble Trough the Babe Escapeth!”). Skip
the sleighbells, but be sure and pad your verses with some nonsense words. “Fa
La La” and “Hey Nonny Nonny” are both safe bets, as is the more conventional
“Dinge-Dinge!”
You don’t have to follow one of these three tracks, of course – but they should be more than enough to get you started. To hear more of my own efforts, breeze by my personal Myspace page this month – I’ll be posting a different original Christmas song every week during Advent. And don’t forget to send me your songs – I’d love to ring in the New Year with a batch of seasonal tunes from local songsmiths. Happy composing!
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